"Where is your son?"
Joe gasped as Duncan asked this most unexpected question. For a brief moment he could not think of any reason why The Highlander should have raised it - then he remembered. Had it really only been twenty eight hours before? Catriona's screams had wakened them all and he and Duncan had rushed toward the sounds of her distress,he barely registered the words she had uttered - but knowing that she was pleading for something and sounding as if her heart would break. He cast his mind back now, forcing it to replay the sounds it had recorded at the time - however subconsciously it had done so. He had not been a Watcher so long for nothing after all.
In his mind's eye he saw her again, leaning against Methos and screaming "No!! Methos!! My son. Stop. Bastards. Stop. Not my son. Methos No. Not Methos. Stop please. Oh God No. Methos! Stop. Stop." So Duncan had remembered this also and this question had obviously been nagging him for some time. The thing was though..how would Catriona take the question and what further difficulties in the realtionship between The Highlander and his cousin would such a question cause?
Joe fought the urge to slap Duncan hard. Was the man daft? They had barely managed to save her life and, after discovering her scars had agreed to say nothing about them. Joe considered that this might be an even more difficult topic for Catriona than the scars she hid. But there was no way to make MacLeod take back the question now it had been asked. All any of them could do was wait and see how Catriona would respond.
An awkward silence oppressed the room and Duncan had time to reapeat his question before she was finally in control enough to venture an answer.
"My son is still in Scotland. Until I can find a place here that will care for him."
Her voice was so small it hardly seemed to register with any of the listeners in the room at first. Then, the initial shock over Joe spoke.
"Does he live with your Uncle in Dunvegan, or with your other relations in Glenfinnan?"
A sob shook Catriona as she struggled to answer the question. " My Uncle ...............found a place to care for him............... near Edinburgh. None...none of my other relations have spoken to me in years .....and.......... I doubt any of them ........would care to...to acknowledge my son's existence, let alone take any part in.........in his care." It was all she could manage before she broke down completely.
Cursing his own stupidity and insensitivity Duncan knelt beside the bed and gently took his coousin in his arms.
"I am sorry Catriona, I had no right to ask you such a question. I just wondered what he and Methos were to each other and why they should both figure in your dreams so much that they woke you screaming in the middle of the night. Please. Ignore my idiotic questions..it really is none of my business."
Joe and Methos were stunned to silence by Catriona's revelation and Duncan's reaction. Finally, pulling his stare from Joe's face, Methos rose and went to sit on the other side of the sofa bed. Placing his hand on Catriona's shoulder, he asked.
"What is it that is wrong with your son? Why is he in care?"
"Because,... because......."
'Shit!' Thought Methos. 'What did you go and ask that for? Still if Duncan's already opened the flood gates might as well get the whole thing out in the open now.' "Sorry to pry," he said aloud, "but we might be able to help if we knew what sort of care he needed.... would you want him to be moved nearer so that you can still visit him?" His voice, though sitll rasping, was so gentle and calming that most of the tension seemed to lift from the room.
Stifling her sobs at last Catriona nodded dumbly. "It was to be my project over the next few weeks before the Semester started. My Unlce had promised to make all the arrangements for me once I found a place I was happy with. One that was near enough for more frequent visits than I have been able to make recently. When I was at Cambridge, and in Dublin, I only managed to see him out of term time, and it is so hard to leave him. So hard."
She swallowed convulsively as she finished speaking, trying to control the urge to give in to sobs once again. I tried to care for him myself but it was too difficult, and I needed to continue my work. For a while I found it impossible to look at him..he is so like his father. But eventaully I came to terms with that, and now all I want is for him to be sae and cared for and to be able to visit him anytime I want. I tried not working and concentrating all of my energy on him, but the doctors told me I wouldn't be able to cope..and they were right, I didn't want them to be.."
She paused and looked pleadingly at both Duncan and Methos.
"Please..you must understand..I didn't abandon him and I do want him back in my life..I just needed to find the right place."
"It's all right Catriona, no one is judging you.. no one thinks any teh less of you for having your shild cared for by people who can cater for his needs. All we want to do is help you. " Methos continued soothing his patient, and by default Joe and Duncan too. " It would help us though if we knew what your son's needs were so that we can help you find a good place to give him care."
Eyes red from crying, her voice still shaking a little with the recent outpouring of emotion, Catriona finally managed to say. " He has brain damage resulting from injuries I sustained when I was pregnant. The damage was caused by my own blood loss and resulting loss of oxygen and nutrients to his brain, he also has spastciity of his limbs and no real speech. Yet each time I dream of him it is as a whole sound boy of ten years of age...and then the monsters come and start to devour him." She was losing control again she knew but she felt so overwhelmed by the misery of her memories of the last dream..the dream where Methos and her son had both been assaulted by the first man who had ever raped Methos..their ages had been the same and she knew that her repulsion at any one forcing her son into the postion Methos had found him self in so many millenia before had triggered this round of terror ..this particular dream.
Methos closed his eyes, remembering the rescue she had peformed when he had been caught in his memories of the assualt..no rape... he had undergone as a serving boy..he also knew without a doubt that this had been the catalyst for the nightmare. A memory Catriona should not have had, would not have had if not for him. Suddenly he let go of her arm and opened his eyes. "I am so sorry Catriona, forgive me?"
Shocked she could only look at him, not understanding what it was she should forgive him for, yet knowing that she must agree or he would flee the room and probably the country. "Of course I forgive you..though there is nothing to forgive. Why shouild you think I need to forgive you anything?"
"Because my bloody past triggered this for you and because of that you were injured and now you will have little or no time to find a place for your son."
Understanding dawned in her mind. " I see. Well then, let me tell you that I have only myself to blame. You didn't force the memories on me after all." She could see he was not mollified, however, so she continued . "Any way you said you would help me to find a place for him..so you can do the initial searching for me. I'll trust your medical knowledge and your experience of parenting to guide you in finding me the three most suitable places within easy reach of Seacouver and then I can give my final approval when I have recovered more fully."
Duncan's head lifted in interest at the reference to Methos' 'parenting experience' but he wisely held his tongue for once.
Methos looked at the small, auburn haired woman. No one could say that she lacked a forceful personality he thought. " Ok fine..you win..I'll stay and help with the search." He said.
"Thank you." She all but whispered. "I treasure your offer of help and accept it gratefully."
She was feeling weary again and needed to rest. They could all recogninse the signs. However, Joe wanted to ask one last question, well maybe two.
"What is your son's name?' He asked
"Matthew" Catriona replied.
"One last thing...." He looked at her, and she nodded in encouragement. "How did his father die?"
Oh..he's not dead Joe. Life might be a lot simpler all around if he were. No Calum, unfortunately, is very much alive."
She looked as if she would like to say more but her energy resources were finally depleted and she closed her eyes and was soon asleep once more.
The silence in the room was so solid it could almost have been cut with a knife. Each man was lost in his thoughts. Then Joe cleared his throat.
"Mind telling me just what you hoped to accomplish with that question MacLeod?" Anger vibrated in his voice.
Wearily, Duncan brushed his hands over his face before replying.
"I had no intention of upsetting anyone here. I was merely trying to understand what her nightmare was about. Why Methos was in it and hwat he had to do with her son."
"Hell MacLeod, I can tell you the answers to those questions." Methos said.
"I thought we'd agread that you were going to be silent and let your throat take a break for a while?" Duncan shot back.
Methos snorted.
"Well maybe if certain people thought before they spoke I could do that." He said.
"OK guys, cut it out. The last thing anyone needs right now is a repeat performance of the last time you two had a row. Let Methos answer your questions as best he can and ask Catriona anything else you need to know when she wakes again, and for God's sake let's not get into a snit here." Joe snapped.
"I am not in a snit!" Methos said with all the dignity he could muster."
"Nor am I." Said Duncan, his biggest pout beginning to form.
Sighing, Joe held up his hands in defeat.
"Fine, whatever. Let's just get on with it shall we?"
Methos took this as his cue .
"You no doubt remember the funk I was in yesterday afternoon and what Catriona told you of my..." He gulped and then continued, " ..my rape by the steward I was apprenticed to."
Joe and Duncan both nodded...indeed how could they have ever forgotten such a moment, Duncan wondered, and he remembered with a flush how uncomfrotable Methos had been at the time and how he'd been unable to speak to them about it...surely Methos couldn;t feel responsible for his own rape? It was not possible agfter all this time was it? Yet looking at him now and the efforts he was taking to avoid their eyes as he spoke it seemd that this was indeed the case. Duncan swallowed uncomfortably at the thought that Methos was having yet agin to relive this pain in his mind..just graeat mac you did it to him again when are you going to kearn to keep your curiousity to yourself?.
Methos continued talking.
"You may also remember," he said, not pausing to look at his listeners as he continued to talk that she told you I was ten years old at the time when this .... treatment began."
He swallowed heavily, his throat causing him sharp stabbing pains and he fervently wished that he did not ever have to talk this through again....dammit the memories had been hidden so long yet now he was having to deal with them all over again and he felt as dirty and violated now as he had done when it first happened to him. God why did life have to be so hard? And why despite all of that did he have the urge to keep on living whatever got thrown at him?He couldn't tell but he needed to get this done so he tried to shake off the feelings of self disgust within him and just focus on telling the story of Catriona's nightmare as he saw it.
"It would seem from what Catriona just told us tha she has a son who is ten. He is in care because of severe disabilities and she feels some guilt at having left him to move here..though she intends to move him here too. She also feels guilt at not being able to care for him herself, and that , added to the stress of dealing with all my past life, my seizures and trying to settle in to a new life seems to have meant that Methos and Matthew becam for a while intertwined in her thoughts and dream. These dreams somehow would have seemed to involve a threat to either one or both of us. I can assure you that I know nothing about Catriona's son other than what she herself told us jsut now and I have no connection to either of them other than the one you know about with regard to my past and Catriona's 'sight'. Does that answer your question Mac?"
Duncan nodded, felling guilty again that Methos had had to make such a lengthy speech with his throat in the condition it was.
"I'd say it did, it sounds reasonable enough and very probable. DAmmit why didn;t I think of that at the time?"
"Probably because you were in your boyscout mode and you only saw a woman in distress. It's understandable Mac..shit happens."
"But why am I always the shit?"
"Are you?" Methos asked a rueful smile across his face. "Forgetting a few things about my past are you?"
"Methos ..shut up" Joe said "..you need to rest your throat and you've given us your expalnation....now it's time to stow it for a while OK Buddy?"
It was on the tip of Methos tongue to reply verbally..but seeing the dangerous gleam in Joe's eye he merely nodded and kept his mouth shut.
Joe turned to look at Duncan>
"So now we come to helping to find a home for Matthew." He said. "Methos offered to look..I know of a few places and have a few contacts who might help and..."
"And I want to do my share too." Duncan put in. "There's also the fact that Catriona and Methos both need a little rest and though I don't want to step on anyone's toes here, but I think it would be a good idea for them both to spend some time together in private." he looked at Methos. " On holy ground would be best I think..how would you feel about spending time at my cabin..say for a week at least while Joe and I start the ball rolling with enquire? Then if you're ready to come back and Catriona needs more time I can spell you at the cabin whilst you continue helping find somewhere for Matthew."
Joe looked at Methos' still pale face and offered his opinion.
"Were I you, I'd take him up on the offer. Firstly you would be the best person to keep an eye on Catriona in case she needs further medical care...and secondly ....well to be honest buddy ..you still look dead on your feet. Besides you and Catriona might want to talk over a few thongs without any nosey parkers interfering and asking awkward questions...I'd take it if I were you.
Methos shook his head, a bemused smile on his lips.
"Well now Joseph, you aren't me. But just to please you I'll accept Mac's offer..as long as there's some beer somewhere in the equation..a man could die of thirst around here."
He grinned a little as Joe nodded and went in search of beer for his friend
It was agreed that Methos should get a few more hours sleep before they made prepartations for the trip to the cabin. They promised to wake Methos once the IV lines needed removing and in the meantime Joe began calling around some of his contacts. Duncan made lists of supplies and went shopping for groceries for the convalescents. For a change it was a rather uneventful day.