After a week of settling into a new routine at the residential home, a party was held at Joe's in honour or Matthew's arrival. The boy seemed happy and relaxed and it was a relieved Catriona who came up and hugged Joe fiercly.
"Thanks for organising this Joe. It was a nice way to welcome him and a great way to thank Russell, Emma and Samantha for their help."
She kissed him hard on the cheek and then flushed slightly in embarrassment as it seemed everyone was staring at her in the silence that had suddenly arisen. Joe was not at all flustered, however, and he laughed appreciatively.
"hey, you're welcome, least I could do after all you've done for us, besides you don't have the room at the moment."
He directed Duncan to put on another stack of CDs and the music began again taking attention away from Catriona and Joe a little.
"Have you given any thought to moving into a faculty house? Janet said you could have till the end of November to think it over. It might make it easier to have Matthew staying over if you had more room."
"I'd really like to," she said, "but I am worried that as a sinle parent whose son is not residing with her full time I might cause resentment amogst other staff, who are in need of housing, for taking a scarce resource. Maybe I'll leave things as they are until I can see what the rented sector is like off campus."
Joe regarded her carefully. It struck him that for all her accomplishments and apparent poise, this woman was still so unsure of herseld especially in her personal life.
"I'm sure no one would think you were hogging a scarce resource Catriona. janet and the rest of the faculty were extremely understanding when you explained why you needed a few days leave of absence to help Matthew settle in, so I'm sure they would not have mentioned the opportunity for you to have a house if they hadn't thought felt that your case was worhty of special consideration." He said, taking her hand in his.
Catriona sighed and looked up at Joe. Since arriving in Seacouver he had been a fairly constant friend. It seemed that any initial qualms he may have had about her had been quelled by her actions to help Methos when Cassandra's 'spell' had affected him. They had spent much time together sharing their taste in music and Joe providing her with a place to relax away from the hot house atmosphere of the university. She certainly appreicated his friendship and support. Duncan had been kind too, and after a short period of tension between them they had relaxed into a place of understanding - but her relationship with Joe was somehow closer in a way she was as yet at a loss to describe.
"I'm sure you're right Joe," she sighed, "it's just that I was brought up to rely om myself and to impinge on other for help and resources as little as possible. I suppose I have a hard time unlearning that and allowing myself to ask for help."
"Sounds like a very lonely way to exist," Joe commented, "though I understand exactly how you feel. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I needed a lot of help to get me back on my feet, so to speak, when I lost my legs. I resented people for offering, I also felt as though my self worth was being called into question. Don't let that happen to you Catriona, if you decide not to accept the offer of housing from the university be sure you decline for the right reasons and not the wrong ones."
Catriona considered the man who sat beside her. His dignity had impressed her from the first, as had his ability to judge situations usually without making value judgements about people - not without evidence to support it anyway. His quiet and calm demeanour, his way of getting directly to the heart of a problem were incredibly reassuring - he had a way of putting people at their ease, making them relax and feel comfortable, that she greatly envied. It made her feel warm inside and safe , a feelling that she had not really had since her mother died. yet with Joe there was an underlying frisson of something, maybe it was not exactly danger - but some edge at least - which she found exciting.
She dared not examine the emotions within her too closely for fear of over analysing what was certainly becoming a firm freindship, and possibly something more as yet undefined, or undefinable, in short she was afraid of setting her hopes for the relationship too high.
The play of emotions across her face as she was thinking made Joe pause a little. He was aware of his growing attraction towards the feisty you woman, but he had no inkling until now that she might ever view him in the same way. Yet the look she had given him just now had made his heart flutter more than a little.
Tellling himself he was an old fool he laid a hand on Catriona's shoulder in a reassuring gesture and then excused himself, leaving her to seek out her son who was currently holding court with Duncan and Connor. They in turn were indulging him in the way doting uncles often do. She smiled to see how happy and relaxed he was in their company, the report from the residential home had said that he was becoming more and more alert to the world around him and was responding well to the activities and techniques they were employing to encourage his speech and motor skills to improve. His walking was still a great problem but one could not expect miracles in such a short time.
The impossible might be tackled at once, miracles too a little while longer she reminded herself. It was the motto that hung on the wall of the doctor's office at Willow Vale, and it certainly seemed that the staff at the home were adept at the impossible. The hoped for miracles might never happen, but perhaps it was the achievement of the impossible which was the miracle.
Connor had the lad sitting in his lap whilst he was making various shapes with his hands, causing Matthew to smile and coo delightedly. Duncan was currently engaged in providing a massage which seemed to be eliciting blissful sighs from his 'nephew' as he curled his toes and blew rasberries in respnse to the ministrations of his 'Uncle Duncan'. Catriona was almost loathe to disturb the restful scene, but one of the things that the staff at Willow Vale were insistent on was a routinely established bed time, and as it was something that seemed to be helping with Matthew's all round improvement she felt she must make sure that this routine was continued when he had weekend visits with her. She crouched down next to the two men and her son and traced a finger down his cheek.
Matthew, who was engaged in sucking Connor's fingers, had his eyes closed. As he felt the striking action he opened them and looked up anxiously, but when he saw who had joined them and ear-splitting grin crept across his face. He let go of Connor's hands and raised his arms to her, indicating he wanted to be held by her. She felt a lump in her throat at the show of trust and love from this young boy she had given birth to. No matter what Methos had said to her, she would always feel guilty for the way she had felt towards him during her pregnancy.
The repugnance she had felt when she had discovered that she was pregnant and the rage were both emotions that had hitherto been foreign to her and which she had found both difficult to cope with and justify. This despite the fact of the rape which had led to her pregnancy, she did not feel she had a right to feel that rage, or to visit that rage upon her unborn child. Yet she had allowed that repugnance and rage to colour her attitude toward him when he was born and those out of control feelings had only spiralled further when the level of his disabilities had been discovered. At first she had felt resentment towards Matthew, then she had absorbed all the negative and emotional responses to him and transfigured them into one over-riding response, that of a deep and abiding guilt, as she convinced herself of her own responsibility for his physical and mental impairments.
Whilst she knew that much of this, if not all of it, was irrational, she also knew that it was not at all uncommon and she was totally unable to banish such thoughts and feelings. Everytime that she had felt Matthew might be better off if she were not part of his life, however, some little incident like this would occur and it woudl become impossible to consider abandoning him. The level of affection he clearly felt towards her, and the fact that he had begun to recognise her, able to pick her out of a group on his own without prompting had combined to make her feel that she should take more responsibility for him whenever possible - and perversely, added to her feelings of responsibility for his condition.
Fighting back the tears which threatened to overwhelm her at this point she leaned into Matthew's offered embrace and enfolded her arms around him. Feeling a sense of elation as he huffed a brief chuckle into the side of her neck and then chuckling herself as he landed a very wet sloppy kiss on her ear. Rubbing his back gently she pulled her head back to examine his face.
"Now then young man," she said, the mock severity in her voice belied by the smile on her face, "I think you need to say goodnight to your Uncles, it's time for bed."
The tragic look he adopted, combined with the deep pout he displayed, was certainly designed to elicit sympathy from Connor and Duncan, and indeed from Catriona - but seeing his mother was going to insist he relaxed his frown and merely gurgled at the two immortals, waving one hand with the other now firmly grasping Catriona's hair. This was yet another sing of the progress he was making. She recalled occasions when Mattthew had responded to reminders of bed time with high pitched screams, banging his head on the wall and forcing his body into a rigor so that was difficult to carry him - and if any one dared approach they had been met with hissing, spitting and furious gouging and biting. The calm acceptance if the announced bedtime now helped to reinforce Catriona's determination to stick with the prescirbed regime and encouraged her that she had made the right move in bringing him here to the United States.
As they moved around the room their goodnights before heading to Joe's guest room, she became aware that Joe was hovering near the door.
"Would it be all right to help put Matthew to bed?" He asked. "I'd like to, and to read him a story if that's OK?"
Story time was an established thing at Willow Vale, something that had sadly been lacking at the efficient but somewhat more dour home back in Scotland which gave excellent physical care but was perhaps less mentally stimulating. Here the regime may be more set, more prescriptive, but the atmosphere was, conversely, far more relaxed and homelike. The staff were convinced taht storytime and singing helped to increase the children's linguistic ablitlies and self awareness, and it seemed to be having a very beneficial effect on Matthew. Catriona smiled at Joe.
"Thank you Joe, I'd like that and I think Matthew would too, wouldn't you?"
She looked down at hime as he was sucking his thimb and cuddling into her, pretending to be noisily sleeping. He stopped mid mock snore, opened one eye, regarded Joe - looking him up and down as if inspecting his worthiness for the task.
"Mmmhmmm." He agreed. ""Shreeee."
Then he closed his eyes again, snuggled more into Catriona's shoulder and resumed his mock snoring. Catriona reaised an eyebrow at that. 'shreeee' was clearly meant to be 'story' and it was the first time Matthew had shown signs of choosing words to say. Another sign of progress that filled her heart with love and pride for thsi boy who was becoming so much less of a stranger to her.
After bathing and dressing him for bed and giving him his medication, both Joe and Catriona sat on the sofa beside the bed for the reading of the story. Joe read of Brer Rabbit and Brer Fox, using his voice to indicate the dramatic tensions of the story. Each character was given their own tone and pitch. it was a consumate preformance that Matthew clearly appreciated. Just as Joe was ending the story, Matthew began to lose the fight to stay awake and Catriona - who ws stroking the side of his face gently - leaned forward and began to sing. It was a melody joe recognised, Welsh in origin, it was called Suo Gan. He'd learend it when he was a boy himself, but never heard it in the original language before. The words seemed to suit the melody. tehn Catriona was repeating teh tune, this time in English,.
"Sleep my lamb, no ill betide thee,
All through the night."
Matthew closed his eyes, hugging a blue plaid bear that Duncan had given him earlier, and relaxed into slumber.
Finishing the song Catriona kissed her son and sat back to look at him, her own eyes beginning to close as she too relaxed. Risking a possible rebuke Joe put his arm around her shoulder, but she did not object and indeed moved closer as he encouraged her to relax into his embrace.
Silently they sat contemplating the sleeping child and it was in this positon, both fast asleep, that Duncan and Connor found them about half an hour later. Not wanting to disturb the paeceful scene, they took the spare quilt from the frame in the corner and covered them. Tiptoeing out of the door they left the sleeping 'family' behind them.
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sharonmarais@sam27.demon.co.uk
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